Putting it all out there!

To all my family and friends,

As many of you know, Bren and I have been trying to get pregnant for about two years now.  It feels like forever ago, we decided we ARE ready!  It did take some time convincing Bren, but we both quickly fell in love with the hope of one day being a mommy and daddy!  During that first year we struggled with the move to Minnesota.  We also struggled with budget cuts leading to job loss and some pretty significant health problems. 

As each month came and went, I continued to tell myself, this is just God's way of telling us we are just not ready yet. Everyone I talked to, said it just takes that long, especially if you have been on the pill for many years.  Eventually, the bummers turned into major disappointments and the tears started, but we both still had hope.

In August of 2010, I worked up the courage to see go to my doctor and admit to our struggles trying to conceive.  I went there with high hopes that all she was going to say was, “give it time, it will happen.”  Instead I walked out of the doctors office with a diagnosis of Hashimotos disease which is a hypothyroid disorder.  This diagnosis was followed by more hope, two different doctors told us once my thyroid starts working, we should get pregnant.  Yay!

Two months went by and I received more good news from my endocrinologist.  My thyroid levels we close to the “normal” range, and we could start trying again!  And so the craziness began.  I became and expert on the human reproductive system (thanks to Google) and doctors appointments began to fill up my calendar.  Day 3, day 11, day 14, day 28…….  Then the medicine started to fill my cabinets!  

Trying to make a baby became a full time job (poor Bren)!  After two rounds of trying, Bren and I were both sent back in for more testing.  More bad news……I have a blocked fallopian tube, but the doctors seemed to be optimistic and suggested trying Artificial Insemination. So back to Google I went with a heavy heart and many tears.  There were so many nights I tried looking at the computer screen through my weld up eyes.  We came to the conclusion, that we had to try it.  We couldn’t give up yet. 

After the first round of Artificial Insemination, I did everything I could to make it work including lots of prayers.  I took 4 pregnancy tests, hoping and praying that one of them would show positive.  Round two of Artificial Insemination was very similar but only took two tests for me to realize that it didn’t work.  Failure, sadness, anger, shame, disappointment, and even hatred entered my body and took over.  The only thing that kept me sane was work, work, work.  The more I work, the more I don’t have to think about it.  And we all know avoidance does not solve anything. 

On to the reproductive endocrinologist!!  The next step in our plan to have a baby was on to the fertility specialist!  The whole drive up there I felt like throwing up.  I’m not quite sure how Bren was feeling, but I know I was scared out of my mind.  I kept thinking to myself “I can’t believe this is happening, what is this guy going to say that we have not already heard?” 

Well, the specialist had a whole lot more to say!  He confirmed what we had already heard and also sent Bren in for some more testing.  On Monday May 25^th, my phone rang at school.  I knew what number it was, but just couldn’t answer it at school in front of my coworkers.  I left for lunch and sat on hold for 17 minutes while the doctor spoke with another patient.  My stomach tumbled and my heart hurt the entire wait.  The receptionist came back on the phone 4 times asking if I would like to have him call me back.  I just couldn’t do that, I needed to hear what ever he had to say right then and there.  I just had a feeling it was more bad news.  The doctor came back on the phone and tore my heart in two!   Our small amount of hope is now down to a less than 5% chance.  I cried and cried as he told me the news, trying my hardest to pull it together.  How was I suppose to go back to work after hearing all of this?  I’ll never forget that day!!  I did it, pulled it together.    I can’t believe I survived through and IEP meeting as well.  That night, Bren and I sat on the couch, not really saying anything, just more tears.  I think I should by stock in Kleenx, the way I am going through it lately! 

Many days the pain is unbearable and I do what I can to keep my mind off of it.  I am jealous of every pregnant woman that walks by me in public, and facebook has become a place for more tears.  Everyone posts about their children or the babies growing in their stomachs.  Now, if I had my own, that’s all I’d be talking about as well!  I should be happy for everyone, but the jealousy has taken over.   I am working very hard at changing my attitude!  I am trying to come back to my old self, who loves to be around my friends and family.  Some day these feelings will change!  It will happen, I have faith in myself, and God will help me get there!  You may just have to bear with me as I go on this roller coaster.  I am putting this all out there, in hopes that it will help me heal and progress through this whole process! 

So on to our options!  In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) or Adoption!  Both of which are EXTREMELY expensive options.  Now its time for prayers, prayers, prayers and fundraising!  Prayers for money, prayers for hope, prayers for happiness, and prayers for a future family!   Please keep Bren and I in mind during your morning and bed time prayers!  We could use every bit of prayer you have in you!  


Thank you to all who have taken the time to read my story.  For those of you who already knew about this, your support has not gone unnoticed!  I truly appreciate all the hugs and phone calls and even cards!   Without you all, I would not have made it through this last year!      

With love,

Shannon